Sports, Sports, Sports

Mar 10, 2013

Classic tennis playersIf you’re too lazy to actually participate in sports you’re probably wondering which ones have the most stylish spectators. Which event on the sporting calendar can you attend to hang out with Britain’s best-dressed fans? Which sport draws the slickest crowd? This subject can be hard to navigate but don’t worry; I’ve done the hard work for you and complied all the essential information.

Shooting. Okay, it’s a strange one to start with because you don’t exactly watch a shoot. But along with the primitive satisfaction of blowing the brains out of small animals you can also be reassured that you look pretty sophisticated in the action. Barbour jackets; it’s what they’re designed for. There’s no excuse not to sport one and you get the added bonus of having no stigma attached as men who wear them around the city endure. Along with flat caps, Burberry scarves and wellingtons it’s pretty hard not to look gentlemanly on a shoot, even if the only thing you hit is air.

Wimbledon.Tennis fans make the list here as they scrub up pretty well, particularly at Wimbledon.  There’s a lasting image of Ray-Bans, old school ties and white hats that’s very, very British. Sip a Pimms, eat a squashed strawberry and relish in that misguided optimism that maybe, just maybe, Murray won’t lose to Federer in straight sets.

Ascot. It’s pretentious. It’s stuffy. But no one cares. Every gent likes to think they’re Rex Harrison from that scene in My Fair Lady when really they just look like an over-zealous usher. But it’s fun and horse racing fans make the list on the effort they pour into this single event alone. Dressing up like a complete toff for a day at the races is all done tongue-in-cheek. (I sincerely hope I’m right about this and people aren’t really that pretentious, otherwise I’m going to have to have a long hard revaluation on life).  

 Bowling picture

Bowling. 90% of the sport may be spent sitting waiting for your next turn and it may be predominantly played by lesbians but bowling shoes have a classic 1950’s vintage look. They have huge appeal and it’s easy to strut around in them and not do much bowling. So much so that I’ve often considered popping down my local alley with a cheap pair of flip-flops, trading them in and doing a runner. Just make sure you wash them.  

‘Footy’. While it’s the funniest game on the planet to play no one has ever looked good watching a match at the stadium. Probably because you’re too busy hysterically hugging the stranger next to you whilst juggling your Stella. Casual violence with other teams necessitates balaclavas and trackies. It may be the beautiful game but the same can’t be said for the haggard bunch of blokes that maintain the image of the British football fan.   

Golf. Drive a BMW? Like wearing a mobile phone earset for that oh-so-important business call even though you’re unemployed? Enjoy wearing two polo shirts at the same time? Then golf is the sport you need to be watching right now.  

Darts in the pub

Darts. It’s cheeky to classify darts as a sport really. Anyone who calls Wolfie Adams or Andy ‘The Viking’ Fordhams a sportsman is pretty delusional. There is a knack for dressing like a hardened darts fan. Tacky gold jewellery is obviously a must. A short-sleeved shirt with your name is recommendable. It also helps if you sweat profusely.  

Snooker. There’s a bit of cross-over with the darts fan look here. Snooker fans tend to be inner-northern city types who frequent the local working man’s club and chain smoke. It’s nothing to brag about that your spending your afternoon locked in the Crucible shoulder to shoulder with these types.

James Fredrick Gray

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